Have you ever used someone like heroin?
From some descriptions I've heard, smack is a very philosophical drug. Russell Brand, in a 2009 Fresh Air interview: "...nothing seems as important when you've got heroin. One of the key components of opiates is that it diminishes the significance of all else, you know? If you've got heroin, nothing else really matters, everything comes in second. In fact, I've often thought that opium addiction is like the materialization of the abstract idea of need. Most of us have an idea that we're missing something from our lives. Some of us think of it as God, some of us think of it as a new pair of shoes or the success a football team that we follow or the craving of the embrace of an absent lover. But with heroin---once you're addicted to it---those needs, those abstract needs, that hole that I feel is within all of us, doesn't seem to be nameless, some unknowable entity, but the clearly material, definable, accessible drug of heroin. You don't think, 'Oh God, what is it, I wish I had a new girlfriend or a new car.' You think, 'I've got to get heroin.' And once you align that physical addiction with that psychological need, your life just has a very clear linear narrative: 'I want heroin, I want heroin, I want heroin.' A tiny, cyclical loop of futile desires. In a way, in the rest of my life and in other people's lives, it seems we pursue similarly futile endeavors...the futility of consumerism is less obvious than the futility of heroin addiction." (Interview available at npr.org.)
No, I've never used heroin, and no, I don't think that everyone who tries heroin ends up feeling this way about it. But I think it works as an analogy. This is how I perceive some of my relationships with people. If I have some name and a face to desire and please, then the futility of my life seems less apparent. The lack of direction. Lack of self-knowledge and self-confidence. If I can find company to crave and events to look forward to, I can push my fears and self-doubt to the back of my mind, because they matter less than pleasing this person or these people. My desires to be useful in the world and to find myself and what I can do best can be focused onto a more immediate entity, a person. Or, more accurately, my desires are forgotten. This is why people change their lives and plans for another person. I did, once.
I've used several people in this way, even if they didn't know. I've felt that craving to see, hear, touch that person, even though I knew the relationship wouldn't last. While it's not physically destructive, it means I have pretty fucked up relationships, and I'm sure in the end it's not healthy for the other party either.
This all made more sense to me yesterday, and once again I've frustrated myself with my inability to articulate what's in my head. I hope you've made some sense of it, even if you believe it's untrue. I'm not even sure I believe it. I do know that I use people as an escape. Now I understand that people and relationships are not supposed to be an escape from real life but a part of it, but I'm not sure what that means I'm supposed to do. I have been stupid about people, and about myself, my entire life. How do you overcome 24 years of stupidity?
So, now that I really don't have any one or any thing to take away my nameless desires, my directionless life is staring me in the face. I have to convince myself every morning that it's worth it to get out of bed, that my part-time job is worthwhile, that I'm capable of doing what people expect of me. I have to tell myself that I really am not a failure if I get an internship next semester or summer. I tell everyone I'm ok with it, hoping one day that I'll believe it. Maybe I do believe it.
Cross-posted to The Color Disgusting.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Winter soldiers testify
Is this what winning a war looks like?
This is what American tax dollars pay for? This is the health care we give to veterans? This is how American soldiers are told to treat Iraqi civilians? We have been lied to.
This is the story from the soldiers' mouths.
"Somebody coming to our facility filing a claim might get $25,000 for the home that we accidentally dropped a bomb on and $2,500 for the son that was killed in that accident. And that just...[long pause] goes, goes to show the relative value...that Americans place on Iraqi lives, based on that policy that we carried out there." - Adam Kokesh, former Marine Corp sergeant
This is what American tax dollars pay for? This is the health care we give to veterans? This is how American soldiers are told to treat Iraqi civilians? We have been lied to.
This is the story from the soldiers' mouths.
"Somebody coming to our facility filing a claim might get $25,000 for the home that we accidentally dropped a bomb on and $2,500 for the son that was killed in that accident. And that just...[long pause] goes, goes to show the relative value...that Americans place on Iraqi lives, based on that policy that we carried out there." - Adam Kokesh, former Marine Corp sergeant
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Oh Senator McCain
McCain: Barack Obama wants to spread the wealth around!
[Crowd boos.]
Some say McCain should have been using this line from the beginning, that it would have helped his position. I have no doubt that it would have. Do you see a problem with this? I do.
What, exactly, is wrong with spreading the wealth around? This is music to my ears and to the ears of anyone who has half a brain. To me, McCain is helping Obama’s position. If I were in great need, I would really appreciate a little bit of someone else’s wealth. And if I have more than I need, I’m willing to give up some of it for someone else’s need. How sick is it (rather, it is a symptom of the sickness of our mindset) to disparage someone who wants to take what someone has no need of and give it to someone who needs it?
But nobody in charge sees it that way. If they do, they must keep it well hidden. Where have all the socialists gone?
[Crowd boos.]
Some say McCain should have been using this line from the beginning, that it would have helped his position. I have no doubt that it would have. Do you see a problem with this? I do.
What, exactly, is wrong with spreading the wealth around? This is music to my ears and to the ears of anyone who has half a brain. To me, McCain is helping Obama’s position. If I were in great need, I would really appreciate a little bit of someone else’s wealth. And if I have more than I need, I’m willing to give up some of it for someone else’s need. How sick is it (rather, it is a symptom of the sickness of our mindset) to disparage someone who wants to take what someone has no need of and give it to someone who needs it?
But nobody in charge sees it that way. If they do, they must keep it well hidden. Where have all the socialists gone?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
quote and thought
This should have been posted here to begin with.
With telegraphy and photography leading the way, a new definition of information came into being. Here was information that rejected the necessity of interconnectedness, proceeded without context, argued for instancy against historical continuity, and offered fascination in place of complexity and coherence.
…
Like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, we are awash in information. And all the sorcerer has left us is a broom. Information has become a form of garbage, not only incapable of answering the most fundamental human questions but barely useful in providing coherent direction to the solution of even mundane problems. To say it still another way: The milieu in which Technopoly flourishes is one in which the tie between information and human purpose has been severed, i.e., information appears indiscriminately, directed at no one in particular, in enormous volume and at high speeds, and disconnected from theory, meaning, or purpose.
All of this has called into being a new world. …It is a world in which the idea of human progress, as Bacon expressed it, has been replaced by the idea of technological progress. The aim is not to reduce ignorance, superstition, and suffering but to accommodate ourselves to the requirements of new technologies.
-From Technopoly by Neil Postman
On another subject, football has taken the place of other social gatherings. For what other reasons did or do people gather in large groups? Church, concerts, festivals, holidays, grand speeches; although church is the only one that should take place on a weekly basis. Maybe. It bothers me that all this hoopla over a bloody and warlike sport has gradually supplanted other, more peaceful, interaction-, morality- and growth-oriented gatherings. You don’t gain anything by watching football, and you feel a sense of brotherhood, I guess, with some people who are also just cheering for a football team. What is the purpose? Just a thought.
With telegraphy and photography leading the way, a new definition of information came into being. Here was information that rejected the necessity of interconnectedness, proceeded without context, argued for instancy against historical continuity, and offered fascination in place of complexity and coherence.
…
Like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, we are awash in information. And all the sorcerer has left us is a broom. Information has become a form of garbage, not only incapable of answering the most fundamental human questions but barely useful in providing coherent direction to the solution of even mundane problems. To say it still another way: The milieu in which Technopoly flourishes is one in which the tie between information and human purpose has been severed, i.e., information appears indiscriminately, directed at no one in particular, in enormous volume and at high speeds, and disconnected from theory, meaning, or purpose.
All of this has called into being a new world. …It is a world in which the idea of human progress, as Bacon expressed it, has been replaced by the idea of technological progress. The aim is not to reduce ignorance, superstition, and suffering but to accommodate ourselves to the requirements of new technologies.
-From Technopoly by Neil Postman
On another subject, football has taken the place of other social gatherings. For what other reasons did or do people gather in large groups? Church, concerts, festivals, holidays, grand speeches; although church is the only one that should take place on a weekly basis. Maybe. It bothers me that all this hoopla over a bloody and warlike sport has gradually supplanted other, more peaceful, interaction-, morality- and growth-oriented gatherings. You don’t gain anything by watching football, and you feel a sense of brotherhood, I guess, with some people who are also just cheering for a football team. What is the purpose? Just a thought.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Travelin' in the USA
Many years ago my wife and I had overseas assignments, posted in Vienna, Austria. While there, we had the opportunity to travel with the United Nations Russian Club to several locations within the USSR. The trip was a wonderfully enjoyable experience through which we gained a first-hand taste of life in Russia. With our accommodations, visits with dignitaries, and special travel arrangements, I'm sure we saw things through tinted lenses.
One area that was difficut to cover up, however, were the trips through the Moscow airport. The tight security was definitely a change from my prior experiences. The extreme crowding in the airport remains a strong memory. People were packed in, milling about, sitting on the floor: a situation I had not seen before and had not since.
Had not since - until my last trip through the Atlanta airport on July 31, 2008. There were people everywhere. At the gate from which I was to fly out, three planes were scheduled to be at the gate within minutes of each other. Because of the stack-up, there were passengers waiting to board all three planes. Since my planes in Atlanta almost always seem to arrive very near the end of D concourse and depart from very near the end of B concourse, I get to see quite a few gates. They all seemed to be as crowded as mine - people packed in, milling about, sitting on the floor. The similarity of this experience to one I had 25 years ago was enough to bring the old memory back to the surface.
I didn't think I would ever begin comparing life in the USSR to life in the USA, but that is exactly what this experience did for me. In a week when the news had been full of stories about failing cranes, decrepit bridges, and overloaded flight systems, my experience at the Atlanta airport provided me with a personal experience of what appears to be the general decline of American infrastructure.
July 31st did happen to be a bad day for travel with storms affecting much of the US. However, my extended stay in ATL gave me plenty of opportunities to discuss recent travel with other passengers. The impression I got from their stories was that delays had become expected; for example, even a two-hour layover is not enough to guarantee that you will make your connecting flight.
One data point doesn't prove a theory, but I'd much prefer not to have any corroborating data points and to have hassle-free travel from now on. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that to expect that would leave me disappointed. The downward slope looks pretty real.
One area that was difficut to cover up, however, were the trips through the Moscow airport. The tight security was definitely a change from my prior experiences. The extreme crowding in the airport remains a strong memory. People were packed in, milling about, sitting on the floor: a situation I had not seen before and had not since.
Had not since - until my last trip through the Atlanta airport on July 31, 2008. There were people everywhere. At the gate from which I was to fly out, three planes were scheduled to be at the gate within minutes of each other. Because of the stack-up, there were passengers waiting to board all three planes. Since my planes in Atlanta almost always seem to arrive very near the end of D concourse and depart from very near the end of B concourse, I get to see quite a few gates. They all seemed to be as crowded as mine - people packed in, milling about, sitting on the floor. The similarity of this experience to one I had 25 years ago was enough to bring the old memory back to the surface.
I didn't think I would ever begin comparing life in the USSR to life in the USA, but that is exactly what this experience did for me. In a week when the news had been full of stories about failing cranes, decrepit bridges, and overloaded flight systems, my experience at the Atlanta airport provided me with a personal experience of what appears to be the general decline of American infrastructure.
July 31st did happen to be a bad day for travel with storms affecting much of the US. However, my extended stay in ATL gave me plenty of opportunities to discuss recent travel with other passengers. The impression I got from their stories was that delays had become expected; for example, even a two-hour layover is not enough to guarantee that you will make your connecting flight.
One data point doesn't prove a theory, but I'd much prefer not to have any corroborating data points and to have hassle-free travel from now on. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that to expect that would leave me disappointed. The downward slope looks pretty real.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Emotional Morning
My daughter posted two articles to her blog describing a past family event (posts one and two). As always, I am happy that she can express her thoughts and emotions. I think doing so is a healthy way to come to grips with painful events and the emotions surrounding them. Thank you, Allison, for your willingness to share.
It is also therapeutic for me. Following the loss of our son, I was too numb to realize and then be of any comfort to either my daughter or my other son. I had too much of my own grief and my wife's grief to contend with to reach much further. With that grief so heavy on my mind, and my children living away from home, their response to the loss unfortunately didn't get much of my brain time. Only if they brought up issues did I get far enough out of my own mending to try to reach out and try to help them. Painful to recall and state.
I have found from this experience that we all respond to loss in different ways. I will forever grieve at David's death on so many levels yet my inner turmoil and outward response to his passing seemed to quickly reach what my counselor said was the goal - that grieving should become less intense, shorter in duration, and less frequent with the passage of time. Allison's blog entries indicate that this is occurring for her. But they also reflect back on some of the challenges she faced to reach this point - challenges that for one reason or another I didn't have to face. It is clear to me that she had the tougher road to follow. Not being tested the way she was, I can only hope that I would have had the same ability to move through life.
Great loss, whether physical or emotional, leaves scars - or stumps. All of our life events shape us and we are never the same afterwards. Large events leave us greatly changed. Our best hope is that we can make the most of the new person that has emerged and mold that person in a way that allows us to move forward in a positive way.
It is also therapeutic for me. Following the loss of our son, I was too numb to realize and then be of any comfort to either my daughter or my other son. I had too much of my own grief and my wife's grief to contend with to reach much further. With that grief so heavy on my mind, and my children living away from home, their response to the loss unfortunately didn't get much of my brain time. Only if they brought up issues did I get far enough out of my own mending to try to reach out and try to help them. Painful to recall and state.
I have found from this experience that we all respond to loss in different ways. I will forever grieve at David's death on so many levels yet my inner turmoil and outward response to his passing seemed to quickly reach what my counselor said was the goal - that grieving should become less intense, shorter in duration, and less frequent with the passage of time. Allison's blog entries indicate that this is occurring for her. But they also reflect back on some of the challenges she faced to reach this point - challenges that for one reason or another I didn't have to face. It is clear to me that she had the tougher road to follow. Not being tested the way she was, I can only hope that I would have had the same ability to move through life.
Great loss, whether physical or emotional, leaves scars - or stumps. All of our life events shape us and we are never the same afterwards. Large events leave us greatly changed. Our best hope is that we can make the most of the new person that has emerged and mold that person in a way that allows us to move forward in a positive way.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
i wish i could draw
This is one of the few times in my life I wish I could draw. If I could, I would draw a bunch of leaf blowers, gas-powered edgers, and gas-powered riding lawn mowers covered with cobwebs in a room, and just outside the room would be a man with a concerned, or even terrified, look on his face, clutching a red gas can. It would be called "the oil crisis" or something like that. I might try to do it, although it will turn out badly.
I was walking home from my oral test this morning, enjoying the beautiful scenery of the clear day that is turning out to be hot but gorgeous, when I was forced to stick my head inside my jacket to breathe because of leaf blowers. I know it's more efficient to use them, but is that always the best way? Furthermore, as I walked by Bowman, the field they try so very hard to keep pristine, I looked at the edge near the road. Bottle caps, plastic wrapping, and other random trash are all over. You idiots are ruining your own field. It's the gathering place for everyone, which is probably why there is so much trash. The gardeners do a fantastic job of keeping the grass green and mown, and you love to be on it, yet all you do is trash it up. I guess some of the problem could be that the leaf blowers were pushing trash onto the field. In that case, you gardeners ruin our field at the same time you try to keep it clean! Either way, the trash comes from somewhere, whether it be the road or the students who drop it themselves. Is that what you like to see? Does it please you to have to move your blanket because you put it on top of an empty bottle?
I wish I could be more coherent about this, but I'm not even sure exactly what it is I'm angry at. I wish people cared more about what their surroundings look like. I mean, people who have some control over it. I can't exactly plant a garden in my spot of dirt, but I can make sure people who come to a party at my place know where the trash can is and avoid tossing it in the yard. I can avoid throwing a glass bottle onto the sidewalk. I can avoid leaving a McDonald's bag on the ground in front of my apartment, which when the wind blows goes straight to the neighbor's yard.
CARE about the environment! Apparently all the programs Clemson puts on all the time aren't working! What the hell can we do differently so that people will CARE?
I was walking home from my oral test this morning, enjoying the beautiful scenery of the clear day that is turning out to be hot but gorgeous, when I was forced to stick my head inside my jacket to breathe because of leaf blowers. I know it's more efficient to use them, but is that always the best way? Furthermore, as I walked by Bowman, the field they try so very hard to keep pristine, I looked at the edge near the road. Bottle caps, plastic wrapping, and other random trash are all over. You idiots are ruining your own field. It's the gathering place for everyone, which is probably why there is so much trash. The gardeners do a fantastic job of keeping the grass green and mown, and you love to be on it, yet all you do is trash it up. I guess some of the problem could be that the leaf blowers were pushing trash onto the field. In that case, you gardeners ruin our field at the same time you try to keep it clean! Either way, the trash comes from somewhere, whether it be the road or the students who drop it themselves. Is that what you like to see? Does it please you to have to move your blanket because you put it on top of an empty bottle?
I wish I could be more coherent about this, but I'm not even sure exactly what it is I'm angry at. I wish people cared more about what their surroundings look like. I mean, people who have some control over it. I can't exactly plant a garden in my spot of dirt, but I can make sure people who come to a party at my place know where the trash can is and avoid tossing it in the yard. I can avoid throwing a glass bottle onto the sidewalk. I can avoid leaving a McDonald's bag on the ground in front of my apartment, which when the wind blows goes straight to the neighbor's yard.
CARE about the environment! Apparently all the programs Clemson puts on all the time aren't working! What the hell can we do differently so that people will CARE?
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